Matt and I have talked at various times in our lives about the blessings we have. Not only the blessings, but how we have never really endured a heavy trial. We have one of those lives that just looks good on paper: met in college, fell in love, got married, made it through professional school, had two beautiful boys, moved to a new city into a beautiful home, started a business while I stay home etc. etc. You all know that we endure small trials daily and that this life is not easy, but you get the point. The Bible is clear that we will endure trials and this is one marker that we belong to the Lord. I confess I have even had doubts sometimes about my own adoption as a child of God because of the lack of trials in my life. Well, our life of little pain and trials came to a grinding halt last week. We went to see our baby on ultrasound, very excited to get our first glimpse. As soon as the technician got started, I knew something was wrong- after all this is my third time doing this. I knew I should at least see a bumping screen to indicate a heartbeat. Our screen was blank. The baby was no longer even there, so we were not afforded that glimpse we were so looking forward to. From what I understood, it looked as though our baby had passed away some weeks ago and had absorbed back into my body. The problem is that my body has produced its fair share of hormones and just keeps right on growing. Needless to say, we were shocked. I always worry a little, but we really had no reason to think that something like this had happened. I have and have had all the classic pregnancy symptoms. Now we are waiting-waiting for real closure, waiting for this pregnancy to end (I am now 13 weeks pregnant with no baby), and waiting for the pain to ease.
We are choosing to do a lot these days: choosing to wake up every morning and love our precious children; choosing to praise and worship the Lord-telling him that we don't understand but will trust him, begging him to help us in our weakness; choosing to love each other unconditionally and cling to one another through, Lord willing, one of the hardest trials we will ever face; choosing to seek truth that will give us comfort.
I have often been convicted of loving this life too much. I have never longed for Heaven like I hear and see others longing (not saying that we shouldn't love the lives God has given us.) But now, I know that we long for the day of Christ's return where we can be a complete family again (even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body-Romans 8:23) Until then, we have a hole in our hearts, a missing piece. We loved and love you so much baby, you are so terribly missed.
Our prayers are that we will "glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope"-Romans 5:3-4 and that we may learn to "rejoice to the extent that we partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, we may also be glad with exceeding joy."- 1 Peter 4:13 We will cling to the promises found in the Word: that this baby was brought here, for a short time, for a purpose, made in the image of God and now praising Him for all eternity; that death is the enemy, we have every right to hate it and be sad over it, but we also remember that Christ has beaten death, and it will not have the final say-Praise the Lord!
We have been so blessed this past week by our family and friends. They have selflessly provided for us through helping hands, meals, phone calls, e-mails, and meetings to chat to name a few. Thanks to all of you! We feel so loved and know that we are not the only ones who miss this precious child of the Lord.