Vulnerable

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. -C.S. Lewis So, it is happening. I am falling in love with Margot. I think about her constantly; I long to see her and touch her; I love every little move and kick because I know she is alive and thriving. I have unintentionally put up a bit of a barrier this pregnancy. I know I am subconsciously trying to protect myself from the pain of losing another baby, so I have distanced myself in a way-just trying to make it through the agonizing 40 week period of growth till I get to meet this sweet daughter of mine. Lately though, I am feeling vulnerable. I know it is because there is no way to put up defenses any longer. I feel her hiccups and I want to pat her back, I feel her heel in my ribs and I want to kiss her tiny toes, I feel her shake her head on my bladder and I want to cradle it in my arms. I am falling in love with our daughter, and it is scary. I am struggling every day to trust the Lord with Margot's life. He has her in the palm of His hand, he has ordained her days before one of them came to be. I know there is nothing I can do but trust Him, but it is hard. He drug me through the trenches this past year. I experienced pain and sadness I didn't know possible. I have felt at times that I wanted to die along with our baby boy. I have been faithless and a horrible representative of Christ whom I boldly claim with my mouth. My heart just hasn't been in it-I have been angry, doubtful, you name it. How do you trust the Lord when you know He may take your baby away? How do you place confidence in the One that took a tiny life just a year ago? I feel like Lucy in Narnia trembling before meeting the Lion and wondering if he is safe. "Safe? Of course he isn't safe. But he is GOOD... he is the King!" The beauty of all this, and what the Lord has been teaching me is that it isn't about my incredible abilities to hold on to this faith I have been given. He has picked me up, refreshed my soul, given me faith when I thought all I had was gone, given me joy when I thought I may never feel it again. He has see me through because He is faithful, not me. I am relearning that He bought me with a price, he has chosen me to be His daughter, He loves me because of what His son did for me on the cross. Experiencing His grace again just like the early days of becoming a Christian has been a beautiful thing. I am so thankful for this gift I have been given amidst all the pain and sorrow I have been trudging through. And I am thankful for the love I have for Margot, for this vulnerability -because no matter what happens tomorrow, the time I have spent loving her is not wasted. She is a precious gift to be loved. Oh come quickly, sweet girl!